My Dearest British Gas!
Quite frankly I want to cry! You’ve made me cry – a grown man! It’s not a pretty sight. I feel like you’re stalking me. Everywhere I turn there you are.
It all started in September 2011, when I received a cryptic and interesting correspondence suggesting that you and I were going out again! That I’d come back to you after all this time. But it was news to me because I’d moved on. I’d grown. I’d changed. I’d found someone that made me happy – EDF energy (ah, just the sound of her name)…er…anyway…where was I?
However, when I phoned up to deliver the bad news, you denied you ever knew me. That I wasn’t even on your “system!” So I did a little digging – super sleuth that I am (I have a hat and a magnifying glass and everything) - and discovered that you’d filed me under business. Well, that really hurt! After all the years we’d been together, it was all just business to you! Ouch! I was angry. No, I was beside myself. I knew you couldn’t mean it, so I did some more digging and discovered that it was just a business further up the street that you were wooing, you must have accidently put my address down instead of theirs. It must have been subconcious, because of your ongoing feelings for me! I knew you still cared.
But I still could not be with you; what would EDF think (ah, just the sound of her name…). So I called to tell you that you needed to let me go and put me behind you, filed neatly under “erroneous transfer”. I thought we’d finally parted ways as friends, but I was wrong. Your lust was too strong. Your desire for me too intense. Your passion to have me too insatiable. You wanted me too much!
So you kept sending people to woo me; to declare your undying love for me. Thrice you sent them, in your vain attempts to capture my heart once more. Oh, they said they were here to “read the meter”, but I knew the truth. I knew you’d sent them to win me back. You’d even sent one just last week, claiming to be “reading the meter” for the previous occupant, who has not been a resident here for four long years. I knew no one could make such a silly error and it was me you really want to see. But alas we cannot be together. It has been to long. It will never work. We are too different now!
Yet still you continue to intice me to call you, just to hear my voice. Only this week you once again forced my hand – I realise we’d agreed to be friends and you promised to take good care of little BAXI Potterton for me during your yearly visit and if he needed any special extra care; which I thought was an honourable and noble thing to do (and a steal for just £17 per month). But then I noticed you started charging £19.14, without even having the courteousy to let me know to my face! I was shocked, but I knew you only did it so you could talk to me one last time!
I know you still love me, but there is too much water under the bridge. I’ve found someone else; someone I think can make me very happy. A new, younger, prettier supplier (ah, just the sound of her name). And we just need to be left alone to live our new life together!
You need to move on. You need to let you go. You need to forget me! You need to confirm and assure me that there are no, none, zero, not one (not even a little one hiding behind the sofa) British Gas energy (either electricity of gas) accounts registered to my address. I think it would be for the best if you stopped worrying about Baxi Potterton too, and just returned the £19.14 for this month and cancel our agreement. I know he’ll miss you, but in the long run it’s better this way.
It’s all for the best. I’m sure there is someone one out there for you….don’t give up hope.
Once yours,
Ben (Drury)
And the reply (kudos to British Gas MD Phil Bentley for joining in the spirit of the original email!):
Dear Mr Drury,
Thankyou for your recent email. I’m really sorry to hear of the poor service you’ve encountered from British Gas, for which, please accept my personal apologies.
I’m not a nobel laureate, and can’t possibly follow your missive, other than to say it’s extremely commendable of you to retain your sense of humour in the face of such provocation from British Gas.
There’s clearly a problem here and therefore I’ve asked my specialist team to look into this and sort it out as a priority, which I’m confident they will do. We will ensure the transfer away from ourselves is completed smoothly for the energy accounts. I’ll check on the boiler cover – we usually expect our customers to stick to the one year contract, otherwise people would cancel after Winter, and start again in Autumn.
My apologies once again for letting you down – I do hope your romance blossoms…. but she is French, you know, and somewhat fickle and, according to OFGEM, our marriage-guidance counsellor, she has the worst track record of lasting relationships in the industry!
With very best wishes,
Phil Bentley
MD British Gas
And the interview on BBC Radio Newcastle:




